I wait until the children are asleep. I wait a few moments to make sure they are fully asleep. I creep down the hallway not daring to turn on the lights because they might wake up. I walk down the stairs, tonight is an exceptionally dark night and I stub my toe on the corner of the coffee table. My screams muffled by my hands so I don’t wake up the kids. My tears stream down my face but I forge onward until I reach my destination, the kitchen. I have hidden a secret treat in the fridge, one that is mine alone. Call me selfish if you will but I have waited all week for this sinful pleasure. I am a mother first but even mothers need a break to be able to enjoy something all their own. I open the fridge and see my pint of vanilla almond ice cream just sitting on the shelf in absolute deliciousness. I sit down grab a spoon and with the first bite so close to my mouth suddenly the lights turn on, my darkness now made bright and I am temporarily blinded. Once my eyes adjust I see three little people standing in front of me, “mommy, can we have some?”
They finally stop driving and stop at this little diner
don’t know where they are and don’t care
they’ve been driving for some time
their too tired and hungry to be scared
they can only pray the people in the diner don’t know of their crimes
They sit quiet, waiting for their order but still suspicious of everyone around them
the woman’s breathes shakily and he grabs her hand
he looks into her eyes and she calms down
They escaped the laws just as they planned
there is no way the laws could’ve beat them to this small town
They sit sipping their coffee never thinking that the man sitting across from them is the law
he got tipped off they were headed his way
he couldn’t pass this chance up to catch these two infamous criminals
one of their friends sitting in the pen was quick to betray
said he wanted to go straight and be a good citizen
Behind them what they don’t see is all the laws with their guns pointing at them
the waiter begins to kneel down slowly behind the counter
They give him quizzical looks
the lawman smirks at them from across the counter
they look at him and he says ” you’re both two bit crooks”
Before they had a chance to add the lawman to their long list of victims, they hear loud pops from behind them
a hail of bullets raining over them
ending their murderous lives
after so many murders, they were long condemned
to be killed; without mercy or forgiveness
The last memory is of them sitting together in a quiet little diner
they’ve been driving too long
trying to get away from the laws
such a long sad song
because you can never escape the long arm of the law
Just a little background into my current situation. Last November I was involved in a car accident only two blocks from my home. The driver of the other car ran the red light and struck my car which caused my car to do a slight spin. So for example, I was traveling north and when he struck me my car was facing west. Since this accident I have been plagued with pain from a herniated disc and disc bulge in my lower in upper back. I now need surgery in my lower back and will probably need something done to relieve the pain in my arm as well. Been to see so many different doctors with different specialties that I’ve lost count. Missed a ton of work and since I’ve used up all my allotted paid days off, I am currently out of work with no pay. There has been so much stress in my house because of money and the fact that the housework hasn’t been getting done as it should. All these stresses has put such a strain on my marriage that currently my husband and I have separated. I try to keep up a brave front and strong face for my three children although I must say, if it wasn’t for them I would have sunken much deeper into my depression.
So much in this past year has happened to me and throughout all this I have tried to keep a calm head, remain positive and above all to continue to have faith that God is looking out for me and protecting me during this difficult time. I always believe that the Lord watched over me and I am thankful to him because even though things are bad right now, I know it can always be worse. I know that there are other people who have things so much harder for them at this moment that I sometimes feel a little ridiculous praying to God asking him to answer my silly little prayers.
After not being at work for over a month I was feeling a little better and thought I could try to go back to work today. Boy, was I wrong. My supervisor sent me home early because I was in pain. As I am walking to the shuttle bus stop. I call my mother and begin to tell her how frustrated I am. “I don’t want to get mad”, I said to her. And I don’t want to be mad about the situation I am in at the moment. But I couldn’t help but cry because I want to be better and I want this all to be a distant memory. But it isn’t, this is currently my life. I want to scream and yell and say “why me”!!!! I know that wont accomplish anything though.
So, anyways, I was on the shuttle going to the parking lot where my car is parked and I decided to look at my Facebook. On Facebook, I have Joel Osteen on my page and always enjoy reading his little quotes or readings of the day. Todays little online readings got me thinking a lot about where was I mentally with regard to my situation. The title of his story was “Are You In The Right Frame Of Mind”? This had me thinking so much about what I say and what I do and how I really feel. His story to put it in a shorter version was how to get over your self-pity and if you believe and ask for God , know that he is there and he is on his way to help you. you can’t always make excuses for your situation or feel bad for yourself. KNOW that you are going to get thru it and know God is to the rescue.
This got me wondering about all the times I looked to God for help. Do I really believe in what I say? When I say I have faith that the Lord will help me and I have complete faith, do I really? I’ve heard myself say I have faith but then feel deep down when is this pain going to go away. I hear myself saying I used to go to the gym or I used to enjoy outdoor activities with my kids. I don’t hear myself saying I WILL get over this and when I do I can’t wait to get back to the gym or playing basketball with my daughter. Have I already set myself up for failure without even realizing it? How can I say I have faith in something when I have already given up. This new found clarity really upsets me because all this time I have been thinking I was doing pretty well with my feelings and keeping the self-pity and feeling bad for myself in check. Now after really paying attention to my words and how I really have been feeling, I’m a complete mess. My faith has wavered a bit. I am separated from my husband and my words say a little time will fix this but yet when i think of the fact that I am separated I begin thinking I’m alone. I don’t believe what comes out of my mouth because I don’t really feel like this could be fixed.
I am not giving these bad situations a positive outcome. I am letting myself be consumed by the negativity surrounding me at the moment. I don’t want to feel this way but I don’t know how to change my attitude. I thought that by saying things would get better, they would. Things won’t get better just because you say it will. Words are shallow if there are no sincere feelings behind them. I want to try to change this now that I realize what I have been doing. I worry though because I’ve been thinking this way for such a long time, how do I change my attitude and perspective now? I have considered maybe speaking with a therapist just to get things out and hopefully get another person opinion on what I can do to turn all this bad into good.
If this has ever happened to any of you, let me know about it or how you overcame it. Is there some mental exercises I can do to better equip and prep my mind for the best rather than drown in bad.
Want to write about so much but don’t know how or where to begin. I guess I should begin at the moment where I decided I should start a blog. There are so many sides to me that I always feel like I am pulling myself in a million different directions at once. It’s always been this way and its because I’ve always felt like there is something I am missing in my life. There is a void that needs to be filled with something that I know will bring me great happiness. I just don’t know what it is and I get stuck here always starting new ventures and never following through. I hate that I begin new thing and then midway I get bored or realize “this just isn’t for me”, so I quit. Like this blog, for example I may be really good at writing about things for a bit but then I will slowly lose interest and all together just forget about it. I hate this about myself and yet cannot break this bad habit. I just feel as though it cause I haven’t found “my thing”. Where I belong.
I have always felt as though there is something special I am meant to be doing. I don’t know what and I feel as though I’m getting older and losing track or my direction to whatever will fill the void I have. Have you ever tried to remember something but just couldn’t. Like it was on the tip of your tongue but you just couldn’t quite get it. Then one minute you remember and that moment of absolute fulfillment hits you. For that instant it becomes such a release of the tiny burden. I have been feeling like that all my life and have yet to reach that fulfilling moment where I have found what it is I need to be doing. I’ve tried my hands at so many things and they’re always the wrong thing and I know this because they never give me that “AH-HA!” moment. I am hoping that perhaps maybe this blog will be it. I have other little projects that i am also currently working on. But I would like for this blog to be a daily journal, you could say. I want to document everything and maybe along the way this will help me find myself. Maybe even a few new friends along the way.
If anyone out there has ever felt this way or still does, let me know. At least I wold know I’m not the only one.
I have always enjoyed writing about my days. I had so many journals just writing about everything going on in my life. The good, the bad… I thinks it’s good therapy. I think sometimes it’s good to get things out. Re-readng things sometimes gives you a better perspective about any situation you come across. Maybe someone here feels the same way.