Just a little background into my current situation. Last November I was involved in a car accident only two blocks from my home. The driver of the other car ran the red light and struck my car which caused my car to do a slight spin. So for example, I was traveling north and when he struck me my car was facing west. Since this accident I have been plagued with pain from a herniated disc and disc bulge in my lower in upper back. I now need surgery in my lower back and will probably need something done to relieve the pain in my arm as well. Been to see so many different doctors with different specialties that I’ve lost count. Missed a ton of work and since I’ve used up all my allotted paid days off, I am currently out of work with no pay. There has been so much stress in my house because of money and the fact that the housework hasn’t been getting done as it should. All these stresses has put such a strain on my marriage that currently my husband and I have separated. I try to keep up a brave front and strong face for my three children although I must say, if it wasn’t for them I would have sunken much deeper into my depression.
So much in this past year has happened to me and throughout all this I have tried to keep a calm head, remain positive and above all to continue to have faith that God is looking out for me and protecting me during this difficult time. I always believe that the Lord watched over me and I am thankful to him because even though things are bad right now, I know it can always be worse. I know that there are other people who have things so much harder for them at this moment that I sometimes feel a little ridiculous praying to God asking him to answer my silly little prayers.
After not being at work for over a month I was feeling a little better and thought I could try to go back to work today. Boy, was I wrong. My supervisor sent me home early because I was in pain. As I am walking to the shuttle bus stop. I call my mother and begin to tell her how frustrated I am. “I don’t want to get mad”, I said to her. And I don’t want to be mad about the situation I am in at the moment. But I couldn’t help but cry because I want to be better and I want this all to be a distant memory. But it isn’t, this is currently my life. I want to scream and yell and say “why me”!!!! I know that wont accomplish anything though.
So, anyways, I was on the shuttle going to the parking lot where my car is parked and I decided to look at my Facebook. On Facebook, I have Joel Osteen on my page and always enjoy reading his little quotes or readings of the day. Todays little online readings got me thinking a lot about where was I mentally with regard to my situation. The title of his story was “Are You In The Right Frame Of Mind”? This had me thinking so much about what I say and what I do and how I really feel. His story to put it in a shorter version was how to get over your self-pity and if you believe and ask for God , know that he is there and he is on his way to help you. you can’t always make excuses for your situation or feel bad for yourself. KNOW that you are going to get thru it and know God is to the rescue.
This got me wondering about all the times I looked to God for help. Do I really believe in what I say? When I say I have faith that the Lord will help me and I have complete faith, do I really? I’ve heard myself say I have faith but then feel deep down when is this pain going to go away. I hear myself saying I used to go to the gym or I used to enjoy outdoor activities with my kids. I don’t hear myself saying I WILL get over this and when I do I can’t wait to get back to the gym or playing basketball with my daughter. Have I already set myself up for failure without even realizing it? How can I say I have faith in something when I have already given up. This new found clarity really upsets me because all this time I have been thinking I was doing pretty well with my feelings and keeping the self-pity and feeling bad for myself in check. Now after really paying attention to my words and how I really have been feeling, I’m a complete mess. My faith has wavered a bit. I am separated from my husband and my words say a little time will fix this but yet when i think of the fact that I am separated I begin thinking I’m alone. I don’t believe what comes out of my mouth because I don’t really feel like this could be fixed.
I am not giving these bad situations a positive outcome. I am letting myself be consumed by the negativity surrounding me at the moment. I don’t want to feel this way but I don’t know how to change my attitude. I thought that by saying things would get better, they would. Things won’t get better just because you say it will. Words are shallow if there are no sincere feelings behind them. I want to try to change this now that I realize what I have been doing. I worry though because I’ve been thinking this way for such a long time, how do I change my attitude and perspective now? I have considered maybe speaking with a therapist just to get things out and hopefully get another person opinion on what I can do to turn all this bad into good.
If this has ever happened to any of you, let me know about it or how you overcame it. Is there some mental exercises I can do to better equip and prep my mind for the best rather than drown in bad.