Get Out Of My Head!!!

Last night started thinking saying to myself I will force myself to be happy, force myself out of this funk and stop feeling sad and lonely. I was good up until this afternoon and then everything just went down hill from there.  I feel hopeless and lost.  I keep stopping myself from crying because I would like to at least know what it is that is making me cry but I don’t know.  Maybe it’s just the fact that can never be extracted from my mind it will be there as a constant reminder to watch myself forever to whomever I give my heart to if I ever even decide to do that.  What bothers my mind is why was I so stupid to think I was ever really loved.  Fourteen years a complete sham not love.  How could I allow myself to be sucked into all these lies and now I am the one sitting here suffering with a broken heart and he couldn’t care less.  He doesn’t call his kids, doesn’t look for them and yet he thinks he such a good father, he thinks he was such a good husband.  There are no words to express my hatred for him.  He took my emotions and used them and then broke me… not my heart…he just broke me.  I feel like there are so many pieces I can’t pick them up.  I sometimes even regret having children with him but thats my fault because I should have realized he wouldn’t have made a good father before I even thought of having my girls… so that one is my fault.  Now it’s just me and my girls and you would think that alone would make me happy and make my life seem fulfilled because I have them, my girls and I am not truly alone. unfortunately, the sadness runs so thick that not even my beautiful girls can get me out of the darkness.  It really stinks too because they deserve a stronger mother not a weak one like me. I put all my time and attention into my girls and yet I still feel alone and lonely and sad.  I just want this to go away and for my life to be happy and comfortable. I just want to enjoy my life and enjoy seeing my girls grow up happy.  Why can’t that be enough for my mind and heart.

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