Post-Surgery and life is happening

Well its Friday and I’m feeling much better today than I did yesterday. I had surgery yesterday on my back for a herniated disc that was pinching my sciatic nerve in my left leg. This was all caused by a car accident I was involved in last November. The procedure was a same day procedure so I didn’t need to stay overnight at the hospital. It was done early and I was back home by 2p.m. The remainder of the afternoon and evening came with much difficulty. Not only did I have pain in my back I suffer from chronic migraines and it was on full blast last night. So apart from the migraine and back pain I was also suffering from really bad nausea and dizziness.

I have mentioned in other posts that I have recently separated from my husband. We separated thinking that maybe the space would help somehow bring us back together. yesterday kind of showed me that could never happen after the way he treated me. instead of being the person I needed to lean on, he decided it would be better for him to leave a go play soccer. So I ended up getting help to the bathroom by my ten year old daughter, while my twelve and eight year old were giving me things like crackers to combat the nausea.

I have never been so hurt and especially by someone who I have spent fourteen years married to. We had our problems and decided it would be in our best interest to separate but I never thought that separation also included emotions and compassion. At least it didn’t for me, no matter what is happening in our lives I can’t forget fourteen years that easily. I could never leave him if he needed me, I am just not that person. It just pains me to think that in my time of need that someone who should be by my side isn’t. Our marriage has been quite the roller coaster and just some days we just butt heads to no end but I loved him so I dealt with all the problems. My thinking was that as a mother and his wife it was by obligation or duty to do all in my power to keep us together. I wonder if there are other women out there who felt as though they had to endure so much negativity or insults from a spouse because that was part of your wifely duties? I guess that goes for men too, anyone who has ever been in this type of marriage. It isn’t easy to be in a marriage you’re not happy in but thinking that you have to because that is your place in this life.

Well I thank God for my children. Although they’re dad wasn’t a big help, my girls were there for me when I needed someone most. A twelve, ten and eight year taking care of me like little nurses is beyond words for me. I couldn’t ever imagine what my life would have been like had they never existed. I felt bad in the beginning about asking they’re dad to leave the house because I thought my girls would resent me or feel we were forcing them to take sides. Instead my relationship with them has never been better. They seem like happier little girls and the communication I have with them is wonderful. they talk to me so much more about what goes on in their daily lives and they had never done that before. Things are difficult but at the same time other aspects are getting better.

So this is my update on life and surgery. Today is a good post-surgery day, hopefully tomorrow will be even better. Hopefully the rest of my current situation will get better each day too.

Until next time…. HAPPY BLOGGING!!!

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Dear Mommy,

I am such a happy dog because you take such good care of me.  You love me and even cry when I get hurt.  That’s why when you’re hurt I stay with you until you feel better.  I can’t talk to you or hug you but I stay with you to show you my love.  You are so special to me mommy, you and my sisters.  I am so happy you’re my family and wouldn’t switch you guys for anyone else.

 

Love,

Cholo

Photography 101- Day 5 Solitude

 

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Solitude doesn’t have to be depressing or sad.  I think that sometimes it can be a great thing to help you in your everyday lives. we all need a moment to ourselves to sit and reflect on our lives. what we need to change in ourselves to make our lives and the lives of those around us better.  It’s also a good way to weed out the bad situations we’re in.  I love to sit alone sometimes and try to reflect on things in my life.  It helps me to gain some clarity into this hectic life.

My Dog

Literate for a Day

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Dear Cholo,

I just wanted to say thank you for being the loving dog that you are.  There is a certain love that only a pet can give and you give that every single day.  I appreciate so much the love you give this family and the protection you give us.  When I had my surgery and came back home from the hospital, I couldn’t understand why you were all over me more than usual. Then I noticed that you kept putting your head on top of my bandages.  A friend pointed out how you were taking care of me in your own little way.  And when you got hurt and the Vet said you would never be able to walk again the hurt I felt for you was unbearable.  Thank God all the prayers came through and you began walking again.  You are my miracle puppy and me and the girls love you so much.  You’ve brought a different type of love and compassion into our lives and I can’t imagine my or the girls lives without you.

You make us laugh so much and people surely do get intimidated by your mighty roar when you see something you don’t like.  When the girls are scared or have nightmares you have protected them by sleeping with them and just staying with them and you mere presence makes them feel so protected and safe.  Although you are only nine pounds, the love you give and the love we have for you are as big as the world.  I love you Cholo, you are the best dog, little brother, son, friend anyone could ever have.

The Glory Of Love

By Heart

THE GLORY OF LOVE

You’ve got to give a little, take a little,

and let your poor heart break a little.

that’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.

You’ve got to laugh a little, cry a little

until the clouds roll by a little

that’s the story of, that’s the glory of love

As long as there’s the two of us,

we’ve got the world and all it’s charms.

and when the world is through with us,

we’ve got each others arms.

you’ve got to win a little, lose a little

yes and always have the blues a little

that’s the story of, thats the glory of love

that’s that story of, that’s the glory of love

     I fell in love with this song when I first heard Bette Midler sing it in the movie Beaches.  I was so in love with Bette Midler that my mother took me to see her in concert for my 10th birthday.  My dad started to call me Bette Midler.  My dad passed away two years ago and I feel like this song is just for me and him.  When I do watch the movie or hear this song I can imagine that Bette Milder is singing it for me and him.  I miss my dad terribly and think of him everyday and by this song we can be together.

Catching up on a few days

 

 

Well Here I am again.  I have been gone a couple of days.  Hate that I have already started doing that.  I said I would try my hardest to stay faithful to this a do a quick blog each day.  In any case since I’ve already slipped with this, now I have a bit of catching up to do.  I am scheduled for surgery on Thursday.  If you’ve read a past blog I did, I said how I was in a car accident and had some damage to my back.  So because of the damage in my back, I now require surgery to alleviate some pain I have from a pinched sciatic nerve.  I’ve had surgeries in the past twice for torn meniscus in my knee and even with that I wasn’t afraid.  This though terrifies me.  They are going into my back to play with my nerve.  Friends and family who know my current pain all said I would need surgery and I just kept saying “no, I won’t get any surgery to my back”.  But the time has come where even sleeping in my bed has become painful.  I can’t sit too long, I can’t stand for too long.  If I have to drive somewhere I pray my back can take the trip to and from. I am terrified at the thought that someone will be playing with a very important and necessary part of my body.  The only thing that goes thru my mind is “what if the Dr. sneezes while he is playing with my nerves”?  or “what if he messes up and I never regain feeling in my leg”?  Unfortunately I cannot deny or avoid the fact that I do indeed need this surgery.  So I will get it done and pray and have faith that everything will work out fine.  Since this surgery has a recovery time has a recovery time of anywhere between 2-4 weeks, I decided I wouldn’t worry about it anymore.  Instead I have just been spending time with my girls and enjoying their company.

 

 

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~My 3 beautiful daughters on halloween~

     Had a wonderful Halloween with my girls.  They made out like little candy bandits and anything they don’t like comes right to me.  I don’t always see it, but I am so grateful to be able to spend such special moments with my kids.  Life is so hectic, and with work and maintaining a house sometimes children get lost in the shuffle.  You don’t give them 100% of your attention as they’re telling you about their day as your cooking and trying to help the other with homework.  They want to sit and eat dinner with you but you tell them to go on ahead because you’re trying to fold laundry and do last minute washing because someone has a soccer game in an hour.  Then by bedtime you’re so worn out that you feel your patience wearing thin because they still want to stay up and want you to read to them when all you want to do is crash into your bed.  This is an everyday thing for me, especially since I separated from my husband.  I am everything in my house at once.  Mommy, daddy, homework genius, chef, cleaning service and chauffeur.  I often get so caught up in the many hats I wear I forget the most important one… my mommy hat.  It was so exciting and wonderful to take them out trick or treating, to spend those moments with them and get them dressed in their adorable costumes.  It brings such joy to my heart to be able to do whatever I can for my girls.  My oldest daughter is 12 years old and she came to me the other day and out of nowhere gives me a hug and says “you’re the best mommy”.  I looked at her kind of shocked, my tween isn’t one much for sentiment these days.  I usually get the “mom stop” or “you’re embarrassing me” when I show her any affection outside and even inside the house.  So I said to her “why do you say that”?  She almost brought me to tears with her response.  She says “because no one would do for us all the things you do”, this made me so happy and proud. Even a parent wants and looks for that acknowledgement that you are seen and the hard work you do isn’t in vain.

     Even though my husband and I aren’t together I always try to make him apart of my girls lives.  He comes and gets them every saturday and know any day the door is open when he wants to come and visit. He and I have such different views to raising our girls and sometimes I feel like I have to protect them from he because he steals away their spirit. I hate to think that way because he is their dad and I always want him in their lives.  Sometimes I think he is just too rough on them rather than being dad.  I have always been the one to direct the moral compass with my girls. To make sure they’re doing good in school, they’re respectful, polite children.  If they want to participate in activities I never say no, my thinking is if they want to try it let them and if they don’t like it at least they gave it a shot.  He never saw it that way.  If we were struggling for money his first reaction would be we need to take the girls out of their activities.  I always felt that was wrong because above all why would we make them suffer?  Things got bad at times with money but not to the point where you’re first reaction would be to take away what makes your children happy.  Activities like sports helps to mold them, makes them more responsible and committed.  Why would your first thought be to take those things away from them?  I never understood that and he and I argued over that a lot.   He is a good dad and person but there is just so much negativity surrounding him that it makes it impossible at times to be around him.  I can’t help him until he conquers those demons.

     My life has been going thru such a roller coaster lately. Some times things are good and sometimes they’re bad.  I really try to keep my faith but it’s hard to think thru the bad that it will all get better.  I try to remind myself that in this world there are others less fortunate than me or who’s lives aren’t a roller coaster of ups and downs,  its just going down.  I don’t do this to make myself feel better at the expense of others its just to remind myself that keep on going. I don’t have it that bad and I shouldn’t be so quick to feel sorry for myself or act like things are just SO BAD for me.  I just feel sometimes as though this “rough patch” is taking a lot longer than it should.  But then again who am I to determine that?  Life continues on whether we want it to or not bad points in our lives will not stop just because we want them to.  Sometimes there are things that just need to play out.

    Well my friends this is all I have for now.  Tonight, I will enjoy the company of my daughters, watch movies with them and eat popcorn and not think of surgery or think of hardships.  My children are happy and they love me and I am nuts about them that is enough to sustain my both physically and emotionally.