I see no way out

In February I was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar disorder, severe anxiety and depression. I am currently on kolonopin, lexapro and ambien. Lately I have been feeling extremely down. My kids dad took them away for Labor Day weekend and the only think I could think of was it would be a perfect time to kill myself. I’m still here so obviously I didn’t do it but it doesn’t leave my mind. My kids came back today and instead of being happy to see them, I feel separated from them, distant. I do t know what to do and I’m so afraid of going back to the hospital.


Same crap different day

So today gathered just enough strength to get my girls up and ready for school.  Then came home and went to sleep again.  In the beginning sleep would help me not to think of the bad, it was my safe place to go.  Then today my darkness followed me into my dreams and turned them into nightmares so now there is nowhere safe for me to run to.  Couldn’t even work up enough strength to cook dinner and had to order out with money I don’t have.  The whole day once again fighting back tears and just wishing that somehow there was a switch in my head that would turn off all the bad and turn me into the happy mommy I want to be.

Took the girls shopping for the things we will be needing for Thanksgiving.  The turkey I bought is considerably smaller this year since it will be just the four us (me and my three daughters) My oldest daughter noticed how small the turkey was and asked if her dad was coming over for Thanksgiving.  Took me a moment to think of what to say, do I lie and say he has to work do I just say I don’t know.  I am so tired of covering for him and lying to my girls to make him look like a father that tries or to keep him looking like their superman.  So I told her the truth, I mentioned it to him and he decided he wouldn’t be coming.  She just said ok and continued on completely normal.  It literally did not bother her whether he father was with us or not.  I don’t know if that is normal, is she hiding her feelings from me or has she just become numb to her father?  I have no idea and it worries me.

Has my children become so numb to his neglectful ways that they could care less whether he is in their lives or not?  They are only twelve, ten and eight and are already to the point where it makes no difference to them if their father is around or not.  I am so mad at him and I have this hatred towards him.  I just want to yell at him and hurt him as much as he has hurt me and our girls.  How could he just turn his back on his kids and act like they and I don’t exist.  He can continue on like nothing bothers him and go out and have fun like he is free from his husband and fatherly responsibilities while here I am with our girls always trying to explain to them why things are the way they are.  I am the one here feeling like I cannot find any reason to even get out of bed in the morning or anytime of the day for that matter.  I want this to go away.  I wish I had amnesia and never even remember him being in my life and just start over somehow.  I want him away forever.

Get Out Of My Head!!!

Last night started thinking saying to myself I will force myself to be happy, force myself out of this funk and stop feeling sad and lonely. I was good up until this afternoon and then everything just went down hill from there.  I feel hopeless and lost.  I keep stopping myself from crying because I would like to at least know what it is that is making me cry but I don’t know.  Maybe it’s just the fact that can never be extracted from my mind it will be there as a constant reminder to watch myself forever to whomever I give my heart to if I ever even decide to do that.  What bothers my mind is why was I so stupid to think I was ever really loved.  Fourteen years a complete sham not love.  How could I allow myself to be sucked into all these lies and now I am the one sitting here suffering with a broken heart and he couldn’t care less.  He doesn’t call his kids, doesn’t look for them and yet he thinks he such a good father, he thinks he was such a good husband.  There are no words to express my hatred for him.  He took my emotions and used them and then broke me… not my heart…he just broke me.  I feel like there are so many pieces I can’t pick them up.  I sometimes even regret having children with him but thats my fault because I should have realized he wouldn’t have made a good father before I even thought of having my girls… so that one is my fault.  Now it’s just me and my girls and you would think that alone would make me happy and make my life seem fulfilled because I have them, my girls and I am not truly alone. unfortunately, the sadness runs so thick that not even my beautiful girls can get me out of the darkness.  It really stinks too because they deserve a stronger mother not a weak one like me. I put all my time and attention into my girls and yet I still feel alone and lonely and sad.  I just want this to go away and for my life to be happy and comfortable. I just want to enjoy my life and enjoy seeing my girls grow up happy.  Why can’t that be enough for my mind and heart.


Trying to find strength in my hard times, but it just gets more and more difficult.  I try to make sense of the choices my ex makes and I keep thinking that if maybe I kill him with kindness he will see how much what he says and does hurts me.  But in the end I just end up looking like the idiot all over again.  My mind sees that although he the way he treats me isn’t right, he is still the father of my daughters and for that reason alone I should be more willing to make this work.  I know that doesn’t make sense and somehow when I do try to be nice to him or act like I care he shoots me down and just reminds me why we are no longer together.  What also brings me back to reality is the fact that my twelve year has told me or more than one occasion that she doesn’t want her father back home and my ten year old said he scares her.  So although for some strange reason my mind doesn’t believe in children being raised in broken homes, I know there isn’t any other option.

I am so alone and my daughters are always here to make me laugh and let me know how much they love me and I love them more than myself but I just feel like my weakened spirit will do nothing to help them.  They need strength and I have none.  I want my girls to see a strong independent woman.  I want them to grow to be strong independent women and I feel as though they won’t learn that by seeing me.   I sometimes wish I could disappear. Leave my body or just hid away forever in the dark and never step out into the light again. I sometimes pray that the Lord take me now let me go to sleep and never wake up.  It sounds so selfish and I am ashamed to feel this way because what good mother in their right mind would ever think of leaving her children but I am just so depressed that I don’t what is the right way to think anymore.

I feel as though my life is going away from me and little bit of happiness I had is now gone.  I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I try to put on a happy face for my girls and try to act like I’m happy and put together in front of them but I seem to be unraveling more and more in front of them.  Now the holidays are upon us and I have to fake a smile and happiness while my girls and I spend our Thanksgiving alone and same thing when Christmas and New Years rolls around.  What will I do?  I have let all the bad put me in such a dark place that I don’t know how to get myself  out.  Can I ever get myself out.

Here we go again

So last thing I need is for my ex to come out of the blue and be as nice as can be a act like he misses me.  Just last weekend he was telling me how good it felt for him to tell me all the bad things he sees in me.  How he can never be happy with me or how he doesn’t want to come home and most importantly, how I never learned to just shut up.  He comes over last night saying he misses his bed and that he wants to lay in bed with me or how he wants me to hold him…. WHAT!?!?!?!

Why does he constantly play with my head this way?  I am convinced that he loves seeing me suffer or gets joy out of fooling with my emotions.  Since my surgery, I have become really become stuck where I am. Although he has been good as far as helping me financially in this hard time but he has also become the worst person.  His excuse is basically he can come say and do whatever he wants cause he is the one currently paying the bills.  Regardless if he and I weren’t together I would not hesitate helping him out if he was having hardships and I would never think of using that to knock him down even more.  He is the father of my children and not to mention at one point I did love him and we were together for fourteen years, of course I would help him if he needed it.  But like my mother says, I can’t expect everyone to be like me.

In the end I feel so confused and feel so much hatred or I try to look back and think what I could have done differently to make my marriage work or what could I have said to show him how much I loved him. In the end I fall back into reality to know that there was nothing I could have done to fix any of this and I try to keep reminding myself that it isn’t my fault.  Although he loves to constantly remind me of how I made him be the way he is or how is wasn’t a good enough wife or mother.

I try not to let him bother me anymore and I ignore when he goes into one of his many rants and I guess he realizes that I am no longer bother by his insults and now he’s targeted his frustration out on my daughters.  Its one thing to bother me and tell me what a huge disappointment I am to you but to know go to my children and call them lazy or just say mean negative things to them is something completely different.  I don’t defend my children just because they’re my children, it’s because they are good kids.  My twelve year old is in a number of school committees, she is involved in sports and she is currently taking some honors classes.  My ten year old is passing all of her classes and so far has an A-B average.  She just signed herself up for the drama class at school.  My eight year old is having a hard time at school and her teacher wants to get her tested for dyslexia.  He said the youngest is struggling because I don’t sit with her and study with her but how we he know that if he is never hear to see what I do or the fact that I am studying with her weeks before any tests she has.  He doesn’t believe me that she may have dyslexia because it’s my fault. My oldest to him is the laziest child on earth.  Anything that comes out of his mouth about her is always something negative. If anyone were to hear him speak about his daughter they would think she is a problem child.  He has never once spoke about all her accomplishments or how well she does in school or how committed she is to her basketball teams or that her down time is spent in her room reading.  My daughter asks maybe once a month to go out with her friends to their house or to the movies and yet he told me I give her too much freedom and that she doesn’t deserve it.  Then there is my middle daughter who he doesn’t even speak to because they have nothing in common.  They hardly speak to one another and he never asks her about her drama club or the dance classes that she takes. His excuse for that is just because those things don’t interest him.

This behavior isn’t fair to my children especially coming from their father.  Parents are supposed to be supportive and proud of your accomplishments, instead he cold care less what their involved in and will point out the negative every chance he gets.  He seriously makes me hate having him around my children because he does to them what he tried to do to me.  Be nice one minute and picks you up, only to talk trash to you and knock you down.  Then tomorrow it’s the same thing all over again.  It’s an abusive cycle and I don’t know how to stop him from doing this to my girls.  Children don’t deserve this and Lord knows I’ve tried explaining this to him so many ways, so many different ways talking, yelling, crying and yet nothing gets through.  I don’t know what to do. I just think that I may have to begin having my girls speak to someone like a therapist.  I don’t them to doubt themselves or be insecure because their dad is a douche.  As much as he brings out so much hatred in me towards him, I don’t want my girls to feel that way towards their father, he the only father they have and they don’t deserve to grown up with hatred, anger or resentment.

Just Fed up

I am so fed up with married life I want a divorce and unfortunately I can’t at the moment.  I am so fed up with someone in my life who brings me down rather than helps pull me up.  A spouse or significant other is your teammate, the one who is supposed to always have your back and yet I have never felt more alone.  We separated because I had enough of his negativity and his being rude and insulting to me and my girls.  Nothing is good enough for him and will find the worst in anything.  I am recovering after surgery and I thought that since I was n’t working or receiving a paycheck when he offered to help it was out of the goodness of his heart.  I should have known better because all I’ve gotten is him throwing things in my face and reminding me that he can do whatever he wants with my things because he is paying my bills.  I am so hurt and mad that I want to cry but can’t because I have my girls here with me and I don’t want them to see me falling apart.  Fourteen years I wasted in this marriage thinking that he would change or convincing myself it isn’t that bad and things could be a lot worse.  Well things are a lot worse, especially when you feel like taking your own life would be better than enduring the constant verbal abuse.  I feel so stuck right now because I do need help and he is helping me but I don’t think his help is worth the price I am paying.

I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I am in pain due to my surgery I can’t walk around, I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself and yet he comes here and begins yelling or begins with his negativity why isn’t this done or why haven’t the girls done this.  I am doing the best I can and it’s never been good enough.  I am so tired of feeling like a bad mother and wife because of him.  I loved him so much and he turned that into such hate.  I hate him and he just fuels that hate each day I see or speak to him.  I don’t want to live like this anymore and I don’t know what I can and I just feel so stuck.  I used to think that this separation is a way for us to somehow get back together.  He would see how the things he says and does hurt me and he would change because he loves me and wants to be with me. What a stupid thing to think and I am stupid for ever thinking this marriage could work or that I could ever be happy.

I have many time of horrible and few moments of happy.  I just want to be at a point in my life where I am healthy and my life is healthy by having positive people around me.  I want to be a happy person and nothing more.  Life means nothing if you aren’t happy in your life.


Bad Signal – Good Riddance

Bad Signal
I would imagine it is from my husband with whom I am currently separated from.  It’s him finally being truthful with me and telling me what I figured all along, he’s been unfaithful.  This is one of the reason why we separated but he never had the nerve to tell me the truth.  Instead, he turned it all around on me and acted as though I was crazy or the reason for all the lies I had caught him in or all the arguments were my fault because I didn’t trust him.

So, he finally decides to come clean and be honest for once and still not giving me the respect by telling me to my face that this was him all this time, not me , he takes the cowards way out and leaves me a voicemail message.  I would imagine the reason he’s finally telling me the truth is because he knows just as well as I that there is no chance of us ever getting back together. Maybe he is mad and thinks he needs to hurt me more because I decided to leave him or that he knows I will never go back to him again.  Who knows but in the end I really don’t care because I already knew the truth and that is why we separated.