Loneliness

Trying to find strength in my hard times, but it just gets more and more difficult.  I try to make sense of the choices my ex makes and I keep thinking that if maybe I kill him with kindness he will see how much what he says and does hurts me.  But in the end I just end up looking like the idiot all over again.  My mind sees that although he the way he treats me isn’t right, he is still the father of my daughters and for that reason alone I should be more willing to make this work.  I know that doesn’t make sense and somehow when I do try to be nice to him or act like I care he shoots me down and just reminds me why we are no longer together.  What also brings me back to reality is the fact that my twelve year has told me or more than one occasion that she doesn’t want her father back home and my ten year old said he scares her.  So although for some strange reason my mind doesn’t believe in children being raised in broken homes, I know there isn’t any other option.

I am so alone and my daughters are always here to make me laugh and let me know how much they love me and I love them more than myself but I just feel like my weakened spirit will do nothing to help them.  They need strength and I have none.  I want my girls to see a strong independent woman.  I want them to grow to be strong independent women and I feel as though they won’t learn that by seeing me.   I sometimes wish I could disappear. Leave my body or just hid away forever in the dark and never step out into the light again. I sometimes pray that the Lord take me now let me go to sleep and never wake up.  It sounds so selfish and I am ashamed to feel this way because what good mother in their right mind would ever think of leaving her children but I am just so depressed that I don’t what is the right way to think anymore.

I feel as though my life is going away from me and little bit of happiness I had is now gone.  I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I try to put on a happy face for my girls and try to act like I’m happy and put together in front of them but I seem to be unraveling more and more in front of them.  Now the holidays are upon us and I have to fake a smile and happiness while my girls and I spend our Thanksgiving alone and same thing when Christmas and New Years rolls around.  What will I do?  I have let all the bad put me in such a dark place that I don’t know how to get myself  out.  Can I ever get myself out.

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Here we go again

So last thing I need is for my ex to come out of the blue and be as nice as can be a act like he misses me.  Just last weekend he was telling me how good it felt for him to tell me all the bad things he sees in me.  How he can never be happy with me or how he doesn’t want to come home and most importantly, how I never learned to just shut up.  He comes over last night saying he misses his bed and that he wants to lay in bed with me or how he wants me to hold him…. WHAT!?!?!?!

Why does he constantly play with my head this way?  I am convinced that he loves seeing me suffer or gets joy out of fooling with my emotions.  Since my surgery, I have become really become stuck where I am. Although he has been good as far as helping me financially in this hard time but he has also become the worst person.  His excuse is basically he can come say and do whatever he wants cause he is the one currently paying the bills.  Regardless if he and I weren’t together I would not hesitate helping him out if he was having hardships and I would never think of using that to knock him down even more.  He is the father of my children and not to mention at one point I did love him and we were together for fourteen years, of course I would help him if he needed it.  But like my mother says, I can’t expect everyone to be like me.

In the end I feel so confused and feel so much hatred or I try to look back and think what I could have done differently to make my marriage work or what could I have said to show him how much I loved him. In the end I fall back into reality to know that there was nothing I could have done to fix any of this and I try to keep reminding myself that it isn’t my fault.  Although he loves to constantly remind me of how I made him be the way he is or how is wasn’t a good enough wife or mother.

I try not to let him bother me anymore and I ignore when he goes into one of his many rants and I guess he realizes that I am no longer bother by his insults and now he’s targeted his frustration out on my daughters.  Its one thing to bother me and tell me what a huge disappointment I am to you but to know go to my children and call them lazy or just say mean negative things to them is something completely different.  I don’t defend my children just because they’re my children, it’s because they are good kids.  My twelve year old is in a number of school committees, she is involved in sports and she is currently taking some honors classes.  My ten year old is passing all of her classes and so far has an A-B average.  She just signed herself up for the drama class at school.  My eight year old is having a hard time at school and her teacher wants to get her tested for dyslexia.  He said the youngest is struggling because I don’t sit with her and study with her but how we he know that if he is never hear to see what I do or the fact that I am studying with her weeks before any tests she has.  He doesn’t believe me that she may have dyslexia because it’s my fault. My oldest to him is the laziest child on earth.  Anything that comes out of his mouth about her is always something negative. If anyone were to hear him speak about his daughter they would think she is a problem child.  He has never once spoke about all her accomplishments or how well she does in school or how committed she is to her basketball teams or that her down time is spent in her room reading.  My daughter asks maybe once a month to go out with her friends to their house or to the movies and yet he told me I give her too much freedom and that she doesn’t deserve it.  Then there is my middle daughter who he doesn’t even speak to because they have nothing in common.  They hardly speak to one another and he never asks her about her drama club or the dance classes that she takes. His excuse for that is just because those things don’t interest him.

This behavior isn’t fair to my children especially coming from their father.  Parents are supposed to be supportive and proud of your accomplishments, instead he cold care less what their involved in and will point out the negative every chance he gets.  He seriously makes me hate having him around my children because he does to them what he tried to do to me.  Be nice one minute and picks you up, only to talk trash to you and knock you down.  Then tomorrow it’s the same thing all over again.  It’s an abusive cycle and I don’t know how to stop him from doing this to my girls.  Children don’t deserve this and Lord knows I’ve tried explaining this to him so many ways, so many different ways talking, yelling, crying and yet nothing gets through.  I don’t know what to do. I just think that I may have to begin having my girls speak to someone like a therapist.  I don’t them to doubt themselves or be insecure because their dad is a douche.  As much as he brings out so much hatred in me towards him, I don’t want my girls to feel that way towards their father, he the only father they have and they don’t deserve to grown up with hatred, anger or resentment.

Catching up on a few days

 

 

Well Here I am again.  I have been gone a couple of days.  Hate that I have already started doing that.  I said I would try my hardest to stay faithful to this a do a quick blog each day.  In any case since I’ve already slipped with this, now I have a bit of catching up to do.  I am scheduled for surgery on Thursday.  If you’ve read a past blog I did, I said how I was in a car accident and had some damage to my back.  So because of the damage in my back, I now require surgery to alleviate some pain I have from a pinched sciatic nerve.  I’ve had surgeries in the past twice for torn meniscus in my knee and even with that I wasn’t afraid.  This though terrifies me.  They are going into my back to play with my nerve.  Friends and family who know my current pain all said I would need surgery and I just kept saying “no, I won’t get any surgery to my back”.  But the time has come where even sleeping in my bed has become painful.  I can’t sit too long, I can’t stand for too long.  If I have to drive somewhere I pray my back can take the trip to and from. I am terrified at the thought that someone will be playing with a very important and necessary part of my body.  The only thing that goes thru my mind is “what if the Dr. sneezes while he is playing with my nerves”?  or “what if he messes up and I never regain feeling in my leg”?  Unfortunately I cannot deny or avoid the fact that I do indeed need this surgery.  So I will get it done and pray and have faith that everything will work out fine.  Since this surgery has a recovery time has a recovery time of anywhere between 2-4 weeks, I decided I wouldn’t worry about it anymore.  Instead I have just been spending time with my girls and enjoying their company.

 

 

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~My 3 beautiful daughters on halloween~

     Had a wonderful Halloween with my girls.  They made out like little candy bandits and anything they don’t like comes right to me.  I don’t always see it, but I am so grateful to be able to spend such special moments with my kids.  Life is so hectic, and with work and maintaining a house sometimes children get lost in the shuffle.  You don’t give them 100% of your attention as they’re telling you about their day as your cooking and trying to help the other with homework.  They want to sit and eat dinner with you but you tell them to go on ahead because you’re trying to fold laundry and do last minute washing because someone has a soccer game in an hour.  Then by bedtime you’re so worn out that you feel your patience wearing thin because they still want to stay up and want you to read to them when all you want to do is crash into your bed.  This is an everyday thing for me, especially since I separated from my husband.  I am everything in my house at once.  Mommy, daddy, homework genius, chef, cleaning service and chauffeur.  I often get so caught up in the many hats I wear I forget the most important one… my mommy hat.  It was so exciting and wonderful to take them out trick or treating, to spend those moments with them and get them dressed in their adorable costumes.  It brings such joy to my heart to be able to do whatever I can for my girls.  My oldest daughter is 12 years old and she came to me the other day and out of nowhere gives me a hug and says “you’re the best mommy”.  I looked at her kind of shocked, my tween isn’t one much for sentiment these days.  I usually get the “mom stop” or “you’re embarrassing me” when I show her any affection outside and even inside the house.  So I said to her “why do you say that”?  She almost brought me to tears with her response.  She says “because no one would do for us all the things you do”, this made me so happy and proud. Even a parent wants and looks for that acknowledgement that you are seen and the hard work you do isn’t in vain.

     Even though my husband and I aren’t together I always try to make him apart of my girls lives.  He comes and gets them every saturday and know any day the door is open when he wants to come and visit. He and I have such different views to raising our girls and sometimes I feel like I have to protect them from he because he steals away their spirit. I hate to think that way because he is their dad and I always want him in their lives.  Sometimes I think he is just too rough on them rather than being dad.  I have always been the one to direct the moral compass with my girls. To make sure they’re doing good in school, they’re respectful, polite children.  If they want to participate in activities I never say no, my thinking is if they want to try it let them and if they don’t like it at least they gave it a shot.  He never saw it that way.  If we were struggling for money his first reaction would be we need to take the girls out of their activities.  I always felt that was wrong because above all why would we make them suffer?  Things got bad at times with money but not to the point where you’re first reaction would be to take away what makes your children happy.  Activities like sports helps to mold them, makes them more responsible and committed.  Why would your first thought be to take those things away from them?  I never understood that and he and I argued over that a lot.   He is a good dad and person but there is just so much negativity surrounding him that it makes it impossible at times to be around him.  I can’t help him until he conquers those demons.

     My life has been going thru such a roller coaster lately. Some times things are good and sometimes they’re bad.  I really try to keep my faith but it’s hard to think thru the bad that it will all get better.  I try to remind myself that in this world there are others less fortunate than me or who’s lives aren’t a roller coaster of ups and downs,  its just going down.  I don’t do this to make myself feel better at the expense of others its just to remind myself that keep on going. I don’t have it that bad and I shouldn’t be so quick to feel sorry for myself or act like things are just SO BAD for me.  I just feel sometimes as though this “rough patch” is taking a lot longer than it should.  But then again who am I to determine that?  Life continues on whether we want it to or not bad points in our lives will not stop just because we want them to.  Sometimes there are things that just need to play out.

    Well my friends this is all I have for now.  Tonight, I will enjoy the company of my daughters, watch movies with them and eat popcorn and not think of surgery or think of hardships.  My children are happy and they love me and I am nuts about them that is enough to sustain my both physically and emotionally.