So today gathered just enough strength to get my girls up and ready for school. Then came home and went to sleep again. In the beginning sleep would help me not to think of the bad, it was my safe place to go. Then today my darkness followed me into my dreams and turned them into nightmares so now there is nowhere safe for me to run to. Couldn’t even work up enough strength to cook dinner and had to order out with money I don’t have. The whole day once again fighting back tears and just wishing that somehow there was a switch in my head that would turn off all the bad and turn me into the happy mommy I want to be.
Took the girls shopping for the things we will be needing for Thanksgiving. The turkey I bought is considerably smaller this year since it will be just the four us (me and my three daughters) My oldest daughter noticed how small the turkey was and asked if her dad was coming over for Thanksgiving. Took me a moment to think of what to say, do I lie and say he has to work do I just say I don’t know. I am so tired of covering for him and lying to my girls to make him look like a father that tries or to keep him looking like their superman. So I told her the truth, I mentioned it to him and he decided he wouldn’t be coming. She just said ok and continued on completely normal. It literally did not bother her whether he father was with us or not. I don’t know if that is normal, is she hiding her feelings from me or has she just become numb to her father? I have no idea and it worries me.
Has my children become so numb to his neglectful ways that they could care less whether he is in their lives or not? They are only twelve, ten and eight and are already to the point where it makes no difference to them if their father is around or not. I am so mad at him and I have this hatred towards him. I just want to yell at him and hurt him as much as he has hurt me and our girls. How could he just turn his back on his kids and act like they and I don’t exist. He can continue on like nothing bothers him and go out and have fun like he is free from his husband and fatherly responsibilities while here I am with our girls always trying to explain to them why things are the way they are. I am the one here feeling like I cannot find any reason to even get out of bed in the morning or anytime of the day for that matter. I want this to go away. I wish I had amnesia and never even remember him being in my life and just start over somehow. I want him away forever.