Just Fed up

I am so fed up with married life I want a divorce and unfortunately I can’t at the moment.  I am so fed up with someone in my life who brings me down rather than helps pull me up.  A spouse or significant other is your teammate, the one who is supposed to always have your back and yet I have never felt more alone.  We separated because I had enough of his negativity and his being rude and insulting to me and my girls.  Nothing is good enough for him and will find the worst in anything.  I am recovering after surgery and I thought that since I was n’t working or receiving a paycheck when he offered to help it was out of the goodness of his heart.  I should have known better because all I’ve gotten is him throwing things in my face and reminding me that he can do whatever he wants with my things because he is paying my bills.  I am so hurt and mad that I want to cry but can’t because I have my girls here with me and I don’t want them to see me falling apart.  Fourteen years I wasted in this marriage thinking that he would change or convincing myself it isn’t that bad and things could be a lot worse.  Well things are a lot worse, especially when you feel like taking your own life would be better than enduring the constant verbal abuse.  I feel so stuck right now because I do need help and he is helping me but I don’t think his help is worth the price I am paying.

I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I am in pain due to my surgery I can’t walk around, I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself and yet he comes here and begins yelling or begins with his negativity why isn’t this done or why haven’t the girls done this.  I am doing the best I can and it’s never been good enough.  I am so tired of feeling like a bad mother and wife because of him.  I loved him so much and he turned that into such hate.  I hate him and he just fuels that hate each day I see or speak to him.  I don’t want to live like this anymore and I don’t know what I can and I just feel so stuck.  I used to think that this separation is a way for us to somehow get back together.  He would see how the things he says and does hurt me and he would change because he loves me and wants to be with me. What a stupid thing to think and I am stupid for ever thinking this marriage could work or that I could ever be happy.

I have many time of horrible and few moments of happy.  I just want to be at a point in my life where I am healthy and my life is healthy by having positive people around me.  I want to be a happy person and nothing more.  Life means nothing if you aren’t happy in your life.