Trying to find strength in my hard times, but it just gets more and more difficult. I try to make sense of the choices my ex makes and I keep thinking that if maybe I kill him with kindness he will see how much what he says and does hurts me. But in the end I just end up looking like the idiot all over again. My mind sees that although he the way he treats me isn’t right, he is still the father of my daughters and for that reason alone I should be more willing to make this work. I know that doesn’t make sense and somehow when I do try to be nice to him or act like I care he shoots me down and just reminds me why we are no longer together. What also brings me back to reality is the fact that my twelve year has told me or more than one occasion that she doesn’t want her father back home and my ten year old said he scares her. So although for some strange reason my mind doesn’t believe in children being raised in broken homes, I know there isn’t any other option.
I am so alone and my daughters are always here to make me laugh and let me know how much they love me and I love them more than myself but I just feel like my weakened spirit will do nothing to help them. They need strength and I have none. I want my girls to see a strong independent woman. I want them to grow to be strong independent women and I feel as though they won’t learn that by seeing me. I sometimes wish I could disappear. Leave my body or just hid away forever in the dark and never step out into the light again. I sometimes pray that the Lord take me now let me go to sleep and never wake up. It sounds so selfish and I am ashamed to feel this way because what good mother in their right mind would ever think of leaving her children but I am just so depressed that I don’t what is the right way to think anymore.
I feel as though my life is going away from me and little bit of happiness I had is now gone. I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I try to put on a happy face for my girls and try to act like I’m happy and put together in front of them but I seem to be unraveling more and more in front of them. Now the holidays are upon us and I have to fake a smile and happiness while my girls and I spend our Thanksgiving alone and same thing when Christmas and New Years rolls around. What will I do? I have let all the bad put me in such a dark place that I don’t know how to get myself out. Can I ever get myself out.