Last night started thinking saying to myself I will force myself to be happy, force myself out of this funk and stop feeling sad and lonely. I was good up until this afternoon and then everything just went down hill from there. I feel hopeless and lost. I keep stopping myself from crying because I would like to at least know what it is that is making me cry but I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the fact that can never be extracted from my mind it will be there as a constant reminder to watch myself forever to whomever I give my heart to if I ever even decide to do that. What bothers my mind is why was I so stupid to think I was ever really loved. Fourteen years a complete sham not love. How could I allow myself to be sucked into all these lies and now I am the one sitting here suffering with a broken heart and he couldn’t care less. He doesn’t call his kids, doesn’t look for them and yet he thinks he such a good father, he thinks he was such a good husband. There are no words to express my hatred for him. He took my emotions and used them and then broke me… not my heart…he just broke me. I feel like there are so many pieces I can’t pick them up. I sometimes even regret having children with him but thats my fault because I should have realized he wouldn’t have made a good father before I even thought of having my girls… so that one is my fault. Now it’s just me and my girls and you would think that alone would make me happy and make my life seem fulfilled because I have them, my girls and I am not truly alone. unfortunately, the sadness runs so thick that not even my beautiful girls can get me out of the darkness. It really stinks too because they deserve a stronger mother not a weak one like me. I put all my time and attention into my girls and yet I still feel alone and lonely and sad. I just want this to go away and for my life to be happy and comfortable. I just want to enjoy my life and enjoy seeing my girls grow up happy. Why can’t that be enough for my mind and heart.
Trying to find strength in my hard times, but it just gets more and more difficult. I try to make sense of the choices my ex makes and I keep thinking that if maybe I kill him with kindness he will see how much what he says and does hurts me. But in the end I just end up looking like the idiot all over again. My mind sees that although he the way he treats me isn’t right, he is still the father of my daughters and for that reason alone I should be more willing to make this work. I know that doesn’t make sense and somehow when I do try to be nice to him or act like I care he shoots me down and just reminds me why we are no longer together. What also brings me back to reality is the fact that my twelve year has told me or more than one occasion that she doesn’t want her father back home and my ten year old said he scares her. So although for some strange reason my mind doesn’t believe in children being raised in broken homes, I know there isn’t any other option.
I am so alone and my daughters are always here to make me laugh and let me know how much they love me and I love them more than myself but I just feel like my weakened spirit will do nothing to help them. They need strength and I have none. I want my girls to see a strong independent woman. I want them to grow to be strong independent women and I feel as though they won’t learn that by seeing me. I sometimes wish I could disappear. Leave my body or just hid away forever in the dark and never step out into the light again. I sometimes pray that the Lord take me now let me go to sleep and never wake up. It sounds so selfish and I am ashamed to feel this way because what good mother in their right mind would ever think of leaving her children but I am just so depressed that I don’t what is the right way to think anymore.
I feel as though my life is going away from me and little bit of happiness I had is now gone. I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I try to put on a happy face for my girls and try to act like I’m happy and put together in front of them but I seem to be unraveling more and more in front of them. Now the holidays are upon us and I have to fake a smile and happiness while my girls and I spend our Thanksgiving alone and same thing when Christmas and New Years rolls around. What will I do? I have let all the bad put me in such a dark place that I don’t know how to get myself out. Can I ever get myself out.