Same crap different day

So today gathered just enough strength to get my girls up and ready for school.  Then came home and went to sleep again.  In the beginning sleep would help me not to think of the bad, it was my safe place to go.  Then today my darkness followed me into my dreams and turned them into nightmares so now there is nowhere safe for me to run to.  Couldn’t even work up enough strength to cook dinner and had to order out with money I don’t have.  The whole day once again fighting back tears and just wishing that somehow there was a switch in my head that would turn off all the bad and turn me into the happy mommy I want to be.

Took the girls shopping for the things we will be needing for Thanksgiving.  The turkey I bought is considerably smaller this year since it will be just the four us (me and my three daughters) My oldest daughter noticed how small the turkey was and asked if her dad was coming over for Thanksgiving.  Took me a moment to think of what to say, do I lie and say he has to work do I just say I don’t know.  I am so tired of covering for him and lying to my girls to make him look like a father that tries or to keep him looking like their superman.  So I told her the truth, I mentioned it to him and he decided he wouldn’t be coming.  She just said ok and continued on completely normal.  It literally did not bother her whether he father was with us or not.  I don’t know if that is normal, is she hiding her feelings from me or has she just become numb to her father?  I have no idea and it worries me.

Has my children become so numb to his neglectful ways that they could care less whether he is in their lives or not?  They are only twelve, ten and eight and are already to the point where it makes no difference to them if their father is around or not.  I am so mad at him and I have this hatred towards him.  I just want to yell at him and hurt him as much as he has hurt me and our girls.  How could he just turn his back on his kids and act like they and I don’t exist.  He can continue on like nothing bothers him and go out and have fun like he is free from his husband and fatherly responsibilities while here I am with our girls always trying to explain to them why things are the way they are.  I am the one here feeling like I cannot find any reason to even get out of bed in the morning or anytime of the day for that matter.  I want this to go away.  I wish I had amnesia and never even remember him being in my life and just start over somehow.  I want him away forever.

Loneliness

Trying to find strength in my hard times, but it just gets more and more difficult.  I try to make sense of the choices my ex makes and I keep thinking that if maybe I kill him with kindness he will see how much what he says and does hurts me.  But in the end I just end up looking like the idiot all over again.  My mind sees that although he the way he treats me isn’t right, he is still the father of my daughters and for that reason alone I should be more willing to make this work.  I know that doesn’t make sense and somehow when I do try to be nice to him or act like I care he shoots me down and just reminds me why we are no longer together.  What also brings me back to reality is the fact that my twelve year has told me or more than one occasion that she doesn’t want her father back home and my ten year old said he scares her.  So although for some strange reason my mind doesn’t believe in children being raised in broken homes, I know there isn’t any other option.

I am so alone and my daughters are always here to make me laugh and let me know how much they love me and I love them more than myself but I just feel like my weakened spirit will do nothing to help them.  They need strength and I have none.  I want my girls to see a strong independent woman.  I want them to grow to be strong independent women and I feel as though they won’t learn that by seeing me.   I sometimes wish I could disappear. Leave my body or just hid away forever in the dark and never step out into the light again. I sometimes pray that the Lord take me now let me go to sleep and never wake up.  It sounds so selfish and I am ashamed to feel this way because what good mother in their right mind would ever think of leaving her children but I am just so depressed that I don’t what is the right way to think anymore.

I feel as though my life is going away from me and little bit of happiness I had is now gone.  I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I try to put on a happy face for my girls and try to act like I’m happy and put together in front of them but I seem to be unraveling more and more in front of them.  Now the holidays are upon us and I have to fake a smile and happiness while my girls and I spend our Thanksgiving alone and same thing when Christmas and New Years rolls around.  What will I do?  I have let all the bad put me in such a dark place that I don’t know how to get myself  out.  Can I ever get myself out.

Just Fed up

I am so fed up with married life I want a divorce and unfortunately I can’t at the moment.  I am so fed up with someone in my life who brings me down rather than helps pull me up.  A spouse or significant other is your teammate, the one who is supposed to always have your back and yet I have never felt more alone.  We separated because I had enough of his negativity and his being rude and insulting to me and my girls.  Nothing is good enough for him and will find the worst in anything.  I am recovering after surgery and I thought that since I was n’t working or receiving a paycheck when he offered to help it was out of the goodness of his heart.  I should have known better because all I’ve gotten is him throwing things in my face and reminding me that he can do whatever he wants with my things because he is paying my bills.  I am so hurt and mad that I want to cry but can’t because I have my girls here with me and I don’t want them to see me falling apart.  Fourteen years I wasted in this marriage thinking that he would change or convincing myself it isn’t that bad and things could be a lot worse.  Well things are a lot worse, especially when you feel like taking your own life would be better than enduring the constant verbal abuse.  I feel so stuck right now because I do need help and he is helping me but I don’t think his help is worth the price I am paying.

I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I am in pain due to my surgery I can’t walk around, I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself and yet he comes here and begins yelling or begins with his negativity why isn’t this done or why haven’t the girls done this.  I am doing the best I can and it’s never been good enough.  I am so tired of feeling like a bad mother and wife because of him.  I loved him so much and he turned that into such hate.  I hate him and he just fuels that hate each day I see or speak to him.  I don’t want to live like this anymore and I don’t know what I can and I just feel so stuck.  I used to think that this separation is a way for us to somehow get back together.  He would see how the things he says and does hurt me and he would change because he loves me and wants to be with me. What a stupid thing to think and I am stupid for ever thinking this marriage could work or that I could ever be happy.

I have many time of horrible and few moments of happy.  I just want to be at a point in my life where I am healthy and my life is healthy by having positive people around me.  I want to be a happy person and nothing more.  Life means nothing if you aren’t happy in your life.