Just Fed up

I am so fed up with married life I want a divorce and unfortunately I can’t at the moment.  I am so fed up with someone in my life who brings me down rather than helps pull me up.  A spouse or significant other is your teammate, the one who is supposed to always have your back and yet I have never felt more alone.  We separated because I had enough of his negativity and his being rude and insulting to me and my girls.  Nothing is good enough for him and will find the worst in anything.  I am recovering after surgery and I thought that since I was n’t working or receiving a paycheck when he offered to help it was out of the goodness of his heart.  I should have known better because all I’ve gotten is him throwing things in my face and reminding me that he can do whatever he wants with my things because he is paying my bills.  I am so hurt and mad that I want to cry but can’t because I have my girls here with me and I don’t want them to see me falling apart.  Fourteen years I wasted in this marriage thinking that he would change or convincing myself it isn’t that bad and things could be a lot worse.  Well things are a lot worse, especially when you feel like taking your own life would be better than enduring the constant verbal abuse.  I feel so stuck right now because I do need help and he is helping me but I don’t think his help is worth the price I am paying.

I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I am in pain due to my surgery I can’t walk around, I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself and yet he comes here and begins yelling or begins with his negativity why isn’t this done or why haven’t the girls done this.  I am doing the best I can and it’s never been good enough.  I am so tired of feeling like a bad mother and wife because of him.  I loved him so much and he turned that into such hate.  I hate him and he just fuels that hate each day I see or speak to him.  I don’t want to live like this anymore and I don’t know what I can and I just feel so stuck.  I used to think that this separation is a way for us to somehow get back together.  He would see how the things he says and does hurt me and he would change because he loves me and wants to be with me. What a stupid thing to think and I am stupid for ever thinking this marriage could work or that I could ever be happy.

I have many time of horrible and few moments of happy.  I just want to be at a point in my life where I am healthy and my life is healthy by having positive people around me.  I want to be a happy person and nothing more.  Life means nothing if you aren’t happy in your life.

 

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Bad Signal – Good Riddance

Bad Signal
I would imagine it is from my husband with whom I am currently separated from.  It’s him finally being truthful with me and telling me what I figured all along, he’s been unfaithful.  This is one of the reason why we separated but he never had the nerve to tell me the truth.  Instead, he turned it all around on me and acted as though I was crazy or the reason for all the lies I had caught him in or all the arguments were my fault because I didn’t trust him.

So, he finally decides to come clean and be honest for once and still not giving me the respect by telling me to my face that this was him all this time, not me , he takes the cowards way out and leaves me a voicemail message.  I would imagine the reason he’s finally telling me the truth is because he knows just as well as I that there is no chance of us ever getting back together. Maybe he is mad and thinks he needs to hurt me more because I decided to leave him or that he knows I will never go back to him again.  Who knows but in the end I really don’t care because I already knew the truth and that is why we separated.

Catching up on a few days

 

 

Well Here I am again.  I have been gone a couple of days.  Hate that I have already started doing that.  I said I would try my hardest to stay faithful to this a do a quick blog each day.  In any case since I’ve already slipped with this, now I have a bit of catching up to do.  I am scheduled for surgery on Thursday.  If you’ve read a past blog I did, I said how I was in a car accident and had some damage to my back.  So because of the damage in my back, I now require surgery to alleviate some pain I have from a pinched sciatic nerve.  I’ve had surgeries in the past twice for torn meniscus in my knee and even with that I wasn’t afraid.  This though terrifies me.  They are going into my back to play with my nerve.  Friends and family who know my current pain all said I would need surgery and I just kept saying “no, I won’t get any surgery to my back”.  But the time has come where even sleeping in my bed has become painful.  I can’t sit too long, I can’t stand for too long.  If I have to drive somewhere I pray my back can take the trip to and from. I am terrified at the thought that someone will be playing with a very important and necessary part of my body.  The only thing that goes thru my mind is “what if the Dr. sneezes while he is playing with my nerves”?  or “what if he messes up and I never regain feeling in my leg”?  Unfortunately I cannot deny or avoid the fact that I do indeed need this surgery.  So I will get it done and pray and have faith that everything will work out fine.  Since this surgery has a recovery time has a recovery time of anywhere between 2-4 weeks, I decided I wouldn’t worry about it anymore.  Instead I have just been spending time with my girls and enjoying their company.

 

 

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~My 3 beautiful daughters on halloween~

     Had a wonderful Halloween with my girls.  They made out like little candy bandits and anything they don’t like comes right to me.  I don’t always see it, but I am so grateful to be able to spend such special moments with my kids.  Life is so hectic, and with work and maintaining a house sometimes children get lost in the shuffle.  You don’t give them 100% of your attention as they’re telling you about their day as your cooking and trying to help the other with homework.  They want to sit and eat dinner with you but you tell them to go on ahead because you’re trying to fold laundry and do last minute washing because someone has a soccer game in an hour.  Then by bedtime you’re so worn out that you feel your patience wearing thin because they still want to stay up and want you to read to them when all you want to do is crash into your bed.  This is an everyday thing for me, especially since I separated from my husband.  I am everything in my house at once.  Mommy, daddy, homework genius, chef, cleaning service and chauffeur.  I often get so caught up in the many hats I wear I forget the most important one… my mommy hat.  It was so exciting and wonderful to take them out trick or treating, to spend those moments with them and get them dressed in their adorable costumes.  It brings such joy to my heart to be able to do whatever I can for my girls.  My oldest daughter is 12 years old and she came to me the other day and out of nowhere gives me a hug and says “you’re the best mommy”.  I looked at her kind of shocked, my tween isn’t one much for sentiment these days.  I usually get the “mom stop” or “you’re embarrassing me” when I show her any affection outside and even inside the house.  So I said to her “why do you say that”?  She almost brought me to tears with her response.  She says “because no one would do for us all the things you do”, this made me so happy and proud. Even a parent wants and looks for that acknowledgement that you are seen and the hard work you do isn’t in vain.

     Even though my husband and I aren’t together I always try to make him apart of my girls lives.  He comes and gets them every saturday and know any day the door is open when he wants to come and visit. He and I have such different views to raising our girls and sometimes I feel like I have to protect them from he because he steals away their spirit. I hate to think that way because he is their dad and I always want him in their lives.  Sometimes I think he is just too rough on them rather than being dad.  I have always been the one to direct the moral compass with my girls. To make sure they’re doing good in school, they’re respectful, polite children.  If they want to participate in activities I never say no, my thinking is if they want to try it let them and if they don’t like it at least they gave it a shot.  He never saw it that way.  If we were struggling for money his first reaction would be we need to take the girls out of their activities.  I always felt that was wrong because above all why would we make them suffer?  Things got bad at times with money but not to the point where you’re first reaction would be to take away what makes your children happy.  Activities like sports helps to mold them, makes them more responsible and committed.  Why would your first thought be to take those things away from them?  I never understood that and he and I argued over that a lot.   He is a good dad and person but there is just so much negativity surrounding him that it makes it impossible at times to be around him.  I can’t help him until he conquers those demons.

     My life has been going thru such a roller coaster lately. Some times things are good and sometimes they’re bad.  I really try to keep my faith but it’s hard to think thru the bad that it will all get better.  I try to remind myself that in this world there are others less fortunate than me or who’s lives aren’t a roller coaster of ups and downs,  its just going down.  I don’t do this to make myself feel better at the expense of others its just to remind myself that keep on going. I don’t have it that bad and I shouldn’t be so quick to feel sorry for myself or act like things are just SO BAD for me.  I just feel sometimes as though this “rough patch” is taking a lot longer than it should.  But then again who am I to determine that?  Life continues on whether we want it to or not bad points in our lives will not stop just because we want them to.  Sometimes there are things that just need to play out.

    Well my friends this is all I have for now.  Tonight, I will enjoy the company of my daughters, watch movies with them and eat popcorn and not think of surgery or think of hardships.  My children are happy and they love me and I am nuts about them that is enough to sustain my both physically and emotionally.