Here we go again

So last thing I need is for my ex to come out of the blue and be as nice as can be a act like he misses me.  Just last weekend he was telling me how good it felt for him to tell me all the bad things he sees in me.  How he can never be happy with me or how he doesn’t want to come home and most importantly, how I never learned to just shut up.  He comes over last night saying he misses his bed and that he wants to lay in bed with me or how he wants me to hold him…. WHAT!?!?!?!

Why does he constantly play with my head this way?  I am convinced that he loves seeing me suffer or gets joy out of fooling with my emotions.  Since my surgery, I have become really become stuck where I am. Although he has been good as far as helping me financially in this hard time but he has also become the worst person.  His excuse is basically he can come say and do whatever he wants cause he is the one currently paying the bills.  Regardless if he and I weren’t together I would not hesitate helping him out if he was having hardships and I would never think of using that to knock him down even more.  He is the father of my children and not to mention at one point I did love him and we were together for fourteen years, of course I would help him if he needed it.  But like my mother says, I can’t expect everyone to be like me.

In the end I feel so confused and feel so much hatred or I try to look back and think what I could have done differently to make my marriage work or what could I have said to show him how much I loved him. In the end I fall back into reality to know that there was nothing I could have done to fix any of this and I try to keep reminding myself that it isn’t my fault.  Although he loves to constantly remind me of how I made him be the way he is or how is wasn’t a good enough wife or mother.

I try not to let him bother me anymore and I ignore when he goes into one of his many rants and I guess he realizes that I am no longer bother by his insults and now he’s targeted his frustration out on my daughters.  Its one thing to bother me and tell me what a huge disappointment I am to you but to know go to my children and call them lazy or just say mean negative things to them is something completely different.  I don’t defend my children just because they’re my children, it’s because they are good kids.  My twelve year old is in a number of school committees, she is involved in sports and she is currently taking some honors classes.  My ten year old is passing all of her classes and so far has an A-B average.  She just signed herself up for the drama class at school.  My eight year old is having a hard time at school and her teacher wants to get her tested for dyslexia.  He said the youngest is struggling because I don’t sit with her and study with her but how we he know that if he is never hear to see what I do or the fact that I am studying with her weeks before any tests she has.  He doesn’t believe me that she may have dyslexia because it’s my fault. My oldest to him is the laziest child on earth.  Anything that comes out of his mouth about her is always something negative. If anyone were to hear him speak about his daughter they would think she is a problem child.  He has never once spoke about all her accomplishments or how well she does in school or how committed she is to her basketball teams or that her down time is spent in her room reading.  My daughter asks maybe once a month to go out with her friends to their house or to the movies and yet he told me I give her too much freedom and that she doesn’t deserve it.  Then there is my middle daughter who he doesn’t even speak to because they have nothing in common.  They hardly speak to one another and he never asks her about her drama club or the dance classes that she takes. His excuse for that is just because those things don’t interest him.

This behavior isn’t fair to my children especially coming from their father.  Parents are supposed to be supportive and proud of your accomplishments, instead he cold care less what their involved in and will point out the negative every chance he gets.  He seriously makes me hate having him around my children because he does to them what he tried to do to me.  Be nice one minute and picks you up, only to talk trash to you and knock you down.  Then tomorrow it’s the same thing all over again.  It’s an abusive cycle and I don’t know how to stop him from doing this to my girls.  Children don’t deserve this and Lord knows I’ve tried explaining this to him so many ways, so many different ways talking, yelling, crying and yet nothing gets through.  I don’t know what to do. I just think that I may have to begin having my girls speak to someone like a therapist.  I don’t them to doubt themselves or be insecure because their dad is a douche.  As much as he brings out so much hatred in me towards him, I don’t want my girls to feel that way towards their father, he the only father they have and they don’t deserve to grown up with hatred, anger or resentment.

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